Writing yet again from 20,000 feet above the sea, except it’s actually above the middle of the Midwest and there’s no water in sight. Wow, that would suck to hit at a high rate of speed.

Anywho.

Yes, I am writing this from a few miles up in the sky, but I’m not publishing it from that high. Word is an amazing tool, and cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Airline travel may not be as glamorous as it once was. But the prices make you think it is. Would you really be able to afford taking a family of four anywhere? Exactly. And those prices are to be seated back in the cattle stall. So, for the first time, I experienced life IN FRONT of the mysterious blue curtain. And it didn’t cost me a penny. Frequent flyer miles are fantastic (Did you know, if you’re just one key off when typing “miles” it becomes “nukes?” Try it, I almost published this that way).

I was amazed.

Shocked.

Even a little excited.

We board the plane, and got acquainted with our seats and our flight attendant. Then, everyone else came aboard. I felt important. Or trashy. After the coach cabin was filled, we were offered drinks. And we’re not talking Coke, water, coffee or crap, but alcohol. Free alcohol. In actual glasses.

The flight attendant took them away when we started to taxi, though. I was called a wuss, by the flight attendant, for not finishing my G&T. As soon as we were airborne, the flight attendant came around again. We’re still climbing, and she’s taking drink orders! Another G&T it is. Oh, and there’s a food order. For a snack. More on that later. I turned down food, but Evan asked for the chicken sandwich.

My drink arrives, and I’m greeted by a bowl of hot nuts. I kid you not. Hot nuts in a hot bowl. Amazing. This could not get any better. Oh, wait. It does. We cruise long enough for me to get half-way through my adult beverage, when a hot towel is thrust into my face. Fantastic. Oh wait, there’s Evan’s food. It’s not a chicken sandwich, it’s a CHICKEN SANDWICH; on a real bun, heated with Swiss cheese, served on a bed of lettuce. With a little glass for wine!

Okay, this sitting in first class for free could not possibly get any better. And then it happens. As we start our decent, I smell something. Something sweet and delicious, with sugar and love. Something amazing from childhood. Could it be? Hot chocolate chip cookies.

At that point I realized my life would never be the same.

Wait, this is a great example of vanity in America. You’re going to spend that much money, so you don’t have to touch shoulders with the person next to you, and drink alcohol for free. I’m sure it’s nice on a flight that lasts for more than two hours. But, wow. I don’t know many (read: any) people who would have the disposable income to fly that way for pleasure. And if companies are paying for it, that’s a waste of their money.

There was a very humorous moment. If you’ve ever been to Texas anytime, you’ll understand. As we taxied back from the gate at Indianapolis the captain got on the loudspeaker:

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen…

“we’ll be cruising at approximately 24,000 feet this evening on our way to Dallas. Flying time should be…

“about 2 hours. In Texas right now, it’s…

“about one million degrees. We’ll have a better idea of that number once we’re in the air.”