I made my best attempt of eating tofu. But you can see from the photo, that my best was not quite good enough. Or really anywhere in the neighborhood of good enough.

I got through three pieces of tofu before my squeaky chewing said that this stuff was not supposed to be eaten by me.

Silly people at the noodles place. They mixed up our orders. I blame them. In fact, perhaps there’s more to this story. Perhaps it’s a conspiracy.

You see, back in 1984 tofu-fever was spreading through the coasts of the United States. It wasn’t until a secret society tricked President Reagan into eating grilled tofu on national television that the epidemic spread to the Midwest, which is odd considering this region of the country produces so many soy beans. The President’s brave and selfless act made blue-collared Americans stand up and take notice. Everyone was hit with the craze. It was as big as bell bottoms, pogs, and Pokemon. And the secret organization continued their struggle to replace all chicken in the United States, with tofu. All without you ever finding out.

In 1994, the secret society (going by the name “Commune of United Nationalists for Tofu”) made great steps forward, by replacing school lunch chicken nuggets with tofu nuggets. Now the generation that ate tofu disguised as chicken is all grown up. They don’t know the difference between a real chicken wing and tofu wrapped around a dog’s chew toy. Whenever ol’ grandma complains that “chicken doesn’t taste the same as it used to,” they blame it on her getting senile and lock her in an old folks home.

You see, that was the Commune’s real objective. To get old folks locked up. Everyone knows chicken tastes like everything, so psychiatrists started using the Wing Test to determine senility. If a senior citizen said that chicken has changed, they need to be locked up, as they are a dangerous to themselves and others.

Now you know.

Think this could end up on Wikipedia? I mean, everything there is true.

Get your mind out of the gutter!

So yesterday, I broke out one of my Christmas presents. Possibly the most important Christmas present. Ever.

A Homemade Sushi Kit.

Complete with my own Kikkoman bottle.

I know what you’re thinking. “Seth, making sushi? With raw fish? And knives?” I was worried at first, too. Since I’m still alive, I’d say I did a pretty damn good job.

Sushi is not nearly as hard to make as I thought. Creating the sushi roll is fairly easy, the time consuming part is preparing your ingredients. I made a total of 3 rolls (2 California [one with wasabi paste, one without], 1 salmon and asparagus).

The first step was to cook the rice and cut all of the ingredients. For the salmon roll I used:

• Fresh New Zealand Salmon (I used maybe an ounce of meat)
• Cucumber
• Asparagus
• Wasabi Mayonnaise
• Sushi Rice (with seasoning)
• Nori (one sheet)

Be sure you know where to buy good fish. I found a great market in Carmel, Joe’s Butcher Shop and Fish Market. Don’t make fun of me, but I found it on The A-List from TheIndyChannel.com. The fresh salmon was really fresh, and really tasty.

I started by cooking the rice in the electric rice cooker. You’re supposed to rinse the rice two or three times before cooking, but I forgot. Luckily that didn’t seem to matter much. I made enough for 4 rolls (1 ¼ cups of rice, 1 ½ cups of water), but only ended up making 3 (hence the extra rice in the pan).

I prefer to cut my vegetables while the rice is cooking. First steam one asparagus stalk. You can do this in a skillet with some water and a lid. Leave it on medium heat until the tip of a knife pieces the stalk. Take the stalk and slice it in down the middle so you have two long pieces. Take the cucumber and chop off a 2-inch portion to use. I would not use an end, as it makes it very difficult to slice up the pieces. Cut the skin from the cucumber, and slice the vegetable into tiny strips. For one roll I used 9-12 skinny strips.

As soon as the rice is done cooking, dump it into a big shallow pan (like the Pyrex dish I used). Pour 2 tablespoons of the seasoning on the rice as evenly as possible. Then take one of those wooden rice spoons and make quick cutting motions through the rice to mix the seasoning without breaking the grains. As you mix spread the rice out to cool it as quickly as possible.

The rice should now be shiny and sticky.

This is when I like to cut the meat. I took my salmon fillets and filleted them down even more. I cut the fish into thin strips to lay across the roll. If you’re not going to cook the fish, make sure to keep it cold as long as possible. If you’re going to cook the fish, pick the way you like best. If I used cooked salmon, I preferred smoked.

A rolling mat is especially handy. It’s made from a bunch of skinny bamboo pieces that are tied together. I like to put a piece of Saran wrap around the mat to keep the nori from sticking (this also helps with cutting). Take a sheet of nori (the seaweed wrap) and place it “shiny side down” on the rolling mat. I don’t know what in the world “shiny side down” means. Both sides of my nori were shiny. One side was rough, the other side smooth. I went for smooth side down. You put it on the mat with the long side facing you. When you roll, you roll away from your body.

Wet your hands (it keeps the rice from sticking) and start spreading rice on the nori. Start at the side closest to you, leaving one-inch uncovered on the opposite side. As soon as the rice touches the nori it sticks. Be sure to spread it out as evenly as you can, but not too thick. You should still be able to see the nori through the rice.

At the side closest to your body spread a little wasabi mayonnaise across the rice. Careful, it’s spicier than you think. Then lay a piece of asparagus on top of the wasabi (so it’s parallel to the edge of your counter/table/sushi-making-stand). Next up, lay the meat next to the asparagus, then the cucumber next to the meat.

Now roll the roll. Tucking the side closest to you into the roll as you go. Make sure it turns into a roll and not a squished pillow. I find slightly wetting the last few centimeters of nori makes the roll stick together better. Now remove the roll from the mat, with the Saran wrap still wrapped. This allows you to perform some final retouches on the roll to ensure it’s circular and not bumpy anywhere.

Take a long, sharp knife (a long fillet knife works perfectly). Use long, swift cuts to slice the sushi into pieces. Pick the size that works best for your mouth, I went with 8 slices and 2 ends.

Present on a platter (with an extra California roll if you forget about it, like I did). Serve. Enjoy.