1. Was extremely happy I didn’t make this mistake in any e-mails this week.
2. Debated about getting a pole for Festivus.
3. Was kicked out of a strip club for trying to take their Festivus pole away from the dancing people.
4. Found out there might be something wrong with this German-English dictionary when I was looking for the phrase “gehen wir ins Bett.”
5. Finished all the projects I was supposed to finished. Professionally, nonetheless. Ethically, even. Though I might have resorted to a small felony or two.

It’s been a while since I’ve had some “highlights.” So, here’s a conglomeration (it’s better diversification for your business).

1. Stood behind this woman for 10 minutes at a bank branch, she continually whisper-shouted such gems as:
   “Hurry up, lady!”
   “She don’t care! Hurry!”
2. Offered to teach semaphore at the Indiana Blind School.
3. Worked a rainy gig where the satellite operator told us:
   “I’m burning a hole in God’s ass and we’re still not busting through.”
4. Thought I had successfully passed a Constitutional amendment banning this man from speaking to the masses. Apparently I was wrong.
5. Waited at the Hardee’s window for 5 minutes, before the woman who took my order got there, too. Was nervous she took my order and prepared it while in the can.
6. Heard this exchange at a soccer game:
   “This is almost as good as American football.”
   “Except the Dolphins.”
7. Told Comcast (aka Comshaft) to go to hell, and said “Hello!” to AT&T’s Uverse. Even though it did take 6 hours for the install.
8. Was invited to a 1974 Democratic BBQ.
9. Tried to convince a co-worker that Beta is God’s chosen format because the original translation of the Bible says that He is the “Beta and the Omega.”
10.  Guessed how many cans of O’Doul’s NA it would take to get a kitten drunk.

1. Collected a handful of McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces.
2. Watched a family of 4 collect the game pieces like they actually were food.
3. Thought they might need to rethink their retirement plans.
4. Got [cat meow] money.
5. Found out 3:30am actually happens tomorrow.
6. For dinner ate a steak that would make most vegetarians and animals lovers want to eat an entire head of lettuce.
7. Heard the best quote ever from a camera operator:
   “A retarded monkey could wrap cable better than these utilities you guys found.”
8. Heard the best response to that comment:
   “EIC, can you send the retarded monkeys down to the sideline camera?”
9. Took this route to get from the hotel to Athens, OH. You haven’t lived until you dodge deer while doing 50 MpH at 4:30am.
10. During field hockey our talent (on-air no less) said:
    “Those girls are tough with those big balls!”

Here are just a few of the memorable highlights from the moments around the job I worked in Cincinnati.

1. Sat next to a rather “robust” gentleman from Philly who bought the our end of the bar a round while telling stories of visiting spring training in Florida.
2. Had the mental image of four 300 pound Italian-American men participating in rickshaw races from the bar to their hotel. 12 miles away. 
3. When they got tired they turned to cabbie races. Until the taxi got pulled over. Both of them.
4. Had 5 import beers. Paid for 2. Lesson: Cubs fans are awesome. Wait. Better Lesson: Drunk Cubs fans are even awesomer.
5. Drunk guy brought in two Crave Cases from White Castle. Told everyone in the bar, even the Reds fans, to dig in. Best Lesson: Drunk Cubs fans are the awesomest.
6. Walking back to my room, passed a guy who stopped to look at his phone… for directions to his room.
7. Crossed the Ohio River. Realized how far south I was when “McDonald’s” became “Mack Donnells”.
8. Was surprised when my cell phones and laptops didn’t explode when I entered northern Kentucky, as it’s actually 1897 here and those pieces of witchcraft don’t exist yet.
9. Saw a 350 pound woman wearing a white tank top exclaim, “That’s a big un, ain’t it?” when she saw her iced tea from a fast food restaurant.
10. Couldn’t think of anything funny to write for this last one. Poop.

1. Saw my brother kiss another man for comedy.
2. Though slightly disturbing with my mother sitting next to me, it was pretty hilarious.
3. Watched this guy break the world record for most rubber bands put on a human head in 1-minute. It now stands at 57.
4. Thanks to the gymnastics performance upstairs, woke up at 9:00a.
5. Considered what it would take to purchase Ritalin and sneak it into the morning treat for the three little kids upstairs.
6. Watched a skit with the punchline: “What? You’ve never seen a retard count his buttons?”
7. Helped create the best burger ever. A key ingredient was spilling part of the New Castle Brown Ale I was drinking into the meat.
8. Should have attributed the fantastic flavor to the Meth I cooked in with the ground chuck.
9. Dreamed that Raggedy Ann and Andy were on an episode of Maury titled “My Fear of Mustard and Pickles Is Ruing My Life.”
10. “I’m a very pretty lady!”

1. Had a good chuckle when instead of saying “Indiana Commerce Connector” captioning on Channel 13 read “Indiana Commerce Kegger.”
2. Laughed my ass off at work when I heard a CNN anchor state:
   

   “We would like to welcome our international viewers watching around the country.”

3. Was offered summer freelance work for FSN Ohio running Duet for the Cincinnati Reds broadcasts.
4. Learned a valuable lesson: Don’t change hair styling products mid-use.
5. Saw Paul Gilmartin live at Crackers, with only 25 other people in the room. Laughed hysterically at his smart jokes.
6. Paul Gilmartin singled me out and said:
   

   “This guy’s the only one laughing at the jokes I like. I want to take you home with me. You can be my personal audience.”

7. Became increasingly nervous I make this face while watching scary movies.
8. Laughed at the hipocracy of the news media when every reporter on CNN, FOX News, and MSNBC quoted Don Imus’ questionable remark verbatim live on national television.
9. Decided to send this letter to each of them, and that guy who cut me off in traffic.
10. Realized I probably shouldn’t have used a form letter.

1. Showed up for St. Patrick’s day wearing the same shirt as Dan.
2. Didn’t realize what an idiot I looked like, until now.
3. Made myself feel better by taking a look at Mullet Mike.
4. Forgot how to properly hold a beer.
5. Had a shirt that tasted like Guinness.
6. Discussed the impact of the war in Iraq on the life and social status of the typical citizen soldier with an Army reservist for at least 45 minutes.
7. Huh?
8. “Isn’t there an ‘O’ in ‘Country?’
9. Sang along to every song “Dave and Rae” sang. Not sure how, though. As my mastery of English descended to “Hayertundgiufh!!!!”
10. Had a cabbie that spoke English and wasn’t crazy.

1. Most of the TV kids together again. I don’t think it could have gotten much better.
2. ONE!
3. Did not end up being left at The Linebacker.
4. Discovered one of the worst rules for Kings while drinking heavily. “When I put my head on the table, everyone else has to put their head down. Last one drinks.” Brain damage and forgetfulness could occur when your forehead slams into the corner of the table. Brain damage and forgetfulness…
5. Our cab driver was named “Bucky.” She was a woman. An old woman. A very scary old woman.
6. “Yeah, so this little Irish bitch told the cops I pulled a gun on her. So they searched my cab, the officer even saw my 12 inch blade in the door and didn’t do anything.”
   - Bucky
7. Bucky: “I fucking hate the Irish”
   All of us to ourselves: “How can you drive a cab in South Bend then?”
8. Toy boat.
9. Wrote a complex equation to predict the outcome of the epic battle between Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer.
10. Utilizing the aforementioned equation, derived the following graph. Note that Bauer may not be able to kick ass this season.
    

1. Went out for a drink with the guys… for four hours. Met some interesting people along the way. People that scare me. Allow me to explain:
2. A young woman walked up to Man A, they exchanged formalities, she said her name was “Uhhhhh…. Maria.” We (alright, just Man A) made fun of her for not knowing her own name.
3. Her other friend walked up and told Man A that Maria stutters.
4. Were pretty sure Maria put a witch curse on us when she started talking about some personality coaching/improvement seminar that really helped her.
5. Another woman walked up and told us that she could guess our personality types. I stared her down. Then she told me I was “approval-seeking.”
6. Do you like this?
7. She told Man A that he’s “book-ish.” Couldn’t be further from the truth.
8. She then told Man B that he’s “shy.” He took home a random hefty. Shy my ass.
9. Pondered what eating bean and garlic burritos for two weeks would do for my sex life.
10. Apologized to my liver for everything that’s going to happen to it this weekend.

1. Tried to figure out how President Bush has managed to not stab himself in the eye with a crayon during his coloring sessions.
2. Watched someone download Fergalicious. Immediately went to find a pencil to jam in my ear.
3. Spammed all of Congress asking for the top priority this session to be the renaming of France… to East Texas.
4. Considered what carrying a sword and calling myself The Highlander would do for me on the dating scene.
5. Celebrated one year at RTV6. Celebrated only being out of college for 7 months.
6. Heard quite possibly the best pickup line ever, and immediately told the weekend weather girl:
   

   “I think there’s a high pressure system building behind my zipper.”

7. Enjoyed using my new favorite word. Perhaps, too much. Catastrofuck.
8. Trademarked a new way to fleece people of every last cent. Text 343 to HOWLEAVE and find out how you’ll die. Texts cost $32.49 per message. There is no cancellation of the service.
9. Armed & Famous: Thank God I didn’t see anyone I know.
10. Mixed anti-bacterial kitchen cleaner and mouthwash. I feel fuzzy.

1. Realized that 1 out of every 10 sober people know the words to Auld Lang Syne, but at midnight every drunk knows all the words and belts them out at the top of their lungs
2. Found out that stupid bar bets are extremely costly
3. Watched a girl walk up to Dan, ask him if he was on television, then call him a different name
4. Became so inebriated that I could, in fact, understand the taxi driver
5. Saw 50+ people that were going to feel like complete assholes in the morning. They were packed into a White Castle like sardines in a can
6. Mike pulled the ultimate con, and was able to talk his way into a VIP lounge
7. Entered the same lounge while pulling no con, just walked in
8. Talked to the taxi driver for the 20 minute ride. Found out he has never had a drop of alcohol
9. Doubted #9 when he veered into oncoming traffic on Michigan Road at 4am
10. Learned that it is not polite to say to a woman at a bar:
    

    “Help me settle a bet with my friend over there… are you a ‘working girl’?”

1. Lovely 8:00am for a Guinness
2. Ate bacon, eggs, and biscuits and gravy at 8:30am… in a bar
3. Thought we were hot shit for bringing a grill, and a beer pong table.
4. Blessed the rains down in Africa
5. Realized a beer pong table doesn’t do any good… unless you bring ping pong balls. Idiots.
6. Didn’t go to the football game.
7. Hung over at 8:00pm
8. Sweet… Caroline?
9. Group of girls on a balcony, “I know! Let’s have a ‘Bulimia Bash!’”
10. Didn’t have to go home to do homework.

1. Uh. Got a job. In television.
2. Decided it was time I invented something.
3. Was left behind. At a bar. In South Bend. At 3:00 in the morning… Alone.
4. Learned how to fix a broken fuel line with a ball point pen. See, sitting around watching MacGyver did get me somewhere.
5. Saw Mike’s cat, Jack, jump from the floor to hang over the shower curtain. While I was in the shower. Creepy little pervert.
6. Uh. Still have a job.
7. Edited a topical that used the phrase “Searching For Smack” in the banner.
8. Ate an entire sack of 10 Slyders. On more than one occassion.
9. Drove around the circle 15 times at 7 mph. In a marked station vehicle. With a photographer hanging out the side.
10. Wasn’t arrested for driving like an idiot through downtown.

1. Began a 10 year mathematical problem to figure the exact age of Dick Clark when time began.
2. Told someone, “Would you believe this man has gone as far as tearing Wallace stickers off the bumpers of cars. And he voted for George McGovern for President.”
3. Drove to Iowa. Saw the Iowa 80 Truckstop. The “World’s Largest Truckstop.”
4. Saw the “World’s Largest Trucker.”
5. Was an intern for 2 months.
6. Wondered if anybody’d think I’d flipped, if I went to L.A., via Omaha.
7. Realized maybe 5 people would catch the references in Numbers 2 and 6 to “Uneasy Rider” by the Charlie Daniels Band.
8. Got a real TV job.
9. In a top 25 market.
10. As an editor.

1. "I’m Tele-perplexed." 
2. "Did I hear a banjo?"
3. "Look. We’ve gone from Teleplex to Motoplex. Whatever the hell a ‘Motoplex’ is." 
4. "Set. Show. Strike. Drunk."
   Four steps for great television.
5. "Sedated kids are the only good ones."
6. Listend to the guys from ERT talk about parking next to the "Toy Truck." Though our shit was twice as good as what they had.
7. Went to Bob Evans for dinner. Thought they were all joking.
8. Waited at Bob Evans for dinner. For an hour and a half.
9. Thought our bus driver was trying to kill us at every opportunity.
10. Decided to sleep, especially considering I start my internship in 9 hours.